Decentring to Recentre
- Anne-Sharlene Murapa
- Jun 20, 2024
- 4 min read
[by Anne-Sharlene Murapa for Hearts Unfiltered, the series]
I’ve been learning a lot about validation. What it means and how it has shaped the person I have become. As a result of my 25th year’s gift to me, the development of my frontal lobe, I decided to decenter the core of most of my trauma.
I’ve always been open and often joked about my relationship with my father. This has been one of the most tumultuous relationships on earth that has left me drained and often with no desire to participate in building deeper connections with people. It can be hard as a child, to find the balance to express your hurt whilst also not “tainting” the image of the person you are expected to love and respect. Yet, here I am, making my family business your business, because healing has taught me that I am not alone and that our wounds, in some weird way, carry lessons not only for us but for those in similar situations.
I found myself in a constant state of trying to “fix myself” because that was the only way I could rationalise my experiences. Survival for me, meant finding ways I could be a better person so that I could be hurt less. Even at a young age, I had understood that when people loved or liked you, their treatment towards you was considerate and cushioned with empathy. The opposite meant you were susceptible to danger. As a means to protect myself, I had to appeal to my perceived threats. In a bid to gain more approval from my father, I learnt how to ask for what would be pleasing to him. The way I thought and rationalised appealed to his existence more than the truth of who I desired to be.
There is this terrible thing that happens, where the victim becomes hyper-fixated in appealing to the person who inflicts pain on them. We believe that if our actions were different, the results would be different. What’s sad, is that this kind of behaviour gets translated into how we interact with other people. And so people-pleasing, playing the supporting cast in instances where you should be centre stage, self-censorship, self-hatred, all these harmful notions about self become a core of who you are. What makes it more sad, is that it tends to happen subconsciously and so our awareness of it is limited.
It wasn’t until I became honest about how deeply the wounds of my relationship with this man ran, that I realised the importance of decentring his impact on my life. My desire to heal was centred around him. My ambition was built around my need for his approval. My relationship with God was performative because that’s how I engaged with father figures. The most heartbreaking part of this awareness for me was that most of my reverence for this man was built around my exaggerated ideals of him. You know when someone buys you a sweet and you convince yourself they bought you a house? The observation of Father’s Day and his birthday required me to dig deep and find those few moments where I felt loved and cared for. It used to be a struggle because I always felt under pressure to hold him to the same standard as my mother even though his contribution, well, was the sort of thing we were taught to be grateful for because “other children never get to know their fathers atleast yours is around”.
My healing has come from the most radical thing I have done in a long time, which is to see him for who he is and not who I desire(d) him to be. This process helped me travel back in time so to say, and bring along the little girl I had long abandoned. I have been reconnecting with the essence of who I am and realising I have always known who I am and what I am called to do. What has long hindered my ability to live in this reality was my constant need for approval. I always needed voices outside of myself to support my ideas so that I would have the confidence to pursue them.
Now, I write short birthday messages and do not dig around for endearments that aren’t there. I pursue the life I want and do not make my plans known to people with the hopes of affirmation because my approval is what matters most. I communicate what I want and if it cannot be provided for me, I do not grovel for it. I feel deeply assured and understand that my life is mine to live and my loved ones to experience. And as a result, I treat myself with high regard.
It can be challenging, and there are days when I find myself consumed by feelings of guilt and shame. But on most days I rest in the peace of being grounded in my beliefs and the understanding of who I am, that the decisions I have made are reaffirmed. I now know that I can love people and still set boundaries to protect myself.
About the Author: Anne-Sharlene Murapa Anne-Sharlene Murapa is passionate about creating spaces of healing, joy and pleasurable experiences. Through the exploration of the creative arts, indigenous practices, and technology, she hopes to play her part in building a world that uses their pain to birth change instead of justification to harm one another. Kurapa Moyo is her heart's work, and you can always connect with her via email and for those who prefer a call, she's always open for a chat within reason :) |
This piece is one of four pieces part of an original storytelling series titled "Hearts Unfiltered". If you haven't already read the entire series, click below to read more about it and access all the other pieces.
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