Every Gift's a Gift

[by Tealee A. Brown for Hearts Unfiltered, the series]

"Living well is an art that can be developed: a love of life and ability to take great pleasure from small offerings and assurance that the world owes you nothing and that every gift is exactly that, a gift." - Maya Angelou

We often approach life from a place of entitlement– sometimes informed by truths, sometimes fabricated in delusions. Whatever the case, we believe we are owed certain things by certain people, and we let this sense of entitlement (whether based on truths or delusions) dictate how we live. The shape of our lives ceases to be of our choosing, and lots of things critical to our emotional, mental, spiritual, and relational well-being slip out of our control. We are so fixated on these certain people owning up, apologizing, and suddenly doing right by us that it becomes (near) impossible to truly appreciate anything or any of the other people in our lives doing their best to show up for us in love and truth. We give these certain people who may not even be aware that we think they owe us because, according to them, they don't, or who simply refuse to extend olive branches, the power to keep us stagnant, in a rot. We are stuck operating from a place of hurt and woundedness. Recovery, healing, and joy become lost on us. We sabotage other relationships as a result— we are conditional and unforgiving in love and life; we view people and things in black and white even in the knowledge that it rarely is ever that simple, that "everything is simple in black and white" probably because we harmfully (maybe without ill intentions) water down and oversimplify, that people and life is far more complex than that.

This way, we can't live full lives. Sometimes, we are unable to live at all. Why do we give people this much power? Why do we bury so deep the keys to our redemption and healing?

“... every gift is exactly that, a gift.”

I've read many relatable quotes and timely ones, but never one as timely as this one. Not very relatable at the moment I stumbled upon it, but more timely than anything relateable or unrelatable I've read. I did not know, but something knew I needed to be brought to this consciousness. For my own sanity. For my own salvation. I needed to embrace this truth to be able to let go of my anger at all that happened to me, all that held and on some days still holds me in chains, to come to know and (maybe) live the life I desire to.

A part of me believes that this quote stood out because it is one in which I find the most significant truth of our lives. Every offering is indeed a gift, a privilege. Even the things we feel are owed to us, especially the things we feel are owed to us. When a person has wronged us, the mere act of them coming to that awakening is in itself a gift we're given— both by that person and the universe. Many people never come to the sudden awakening we expect or desperately wish they'd come to when they hurt or wronged us. Many times people never even come to the understanding that they've hurt themselves when/where they have. In cases where people can't see the need to be reformed so that they cease to pour negatively into us and others around them, we must be able to live without it; we must refuse to let them and their actions dictate the overall shape of our lives, determine our ability to live. I hope we never wrong ourselves in this way. I hope we can find it in ourselves to carry on. 

“every gift’s a gift.” 

Every love you give is a gift. All the love you receive, a gift. All the grace and forgiveness you extend, a gift. All the grace and forgiveness you receive, also a gift. All the times you scream to be heard and you are listened to, you're given a precious gift.  Every time you share your time, space, and heart with others, you're giving those people a gift; one they can decide to either accept and receive, or deny and refuse— whatever the case, their acceptance or refusal of your gifts to them doesn't have to determine the trajectory of your life. Every time others share their heart, time, and space with you, they're offering you a gift, and it's also one you can choose to accept or reject— your only duty here is to refuse with as much grace as you'd like to be refused if cases were reversed.

“every gift’s a gift.” 

Knowing this truth, living with it, taking it with me everywhere I go, I can find more pleasure in living; I can love life and being here better. The quality of my life can depend solely on me, my thoughts, my actions. I can stop looking to others as primary sources of pleasure, joy, healing, and will to life. The other way around has never been a very pretty way to live.

To live with this reminder I can better appreciate everything I have and let go of those I don't. I no longer think I'll heal only if somebody who wronged me suddenly had some sort of grand awakening and became repentant. I no longer hold to heart the sentiment that I'll be and feel safe again in relationships only if a family member, friend, or lover who I believe treated me wrongly would suddenly become apologetic. I no longer put other people and their actions at the center of my life when I should be the one, primary factor and source at the center of my life. Holding this close to my heart, I can appreciate the gifts I've been afforded and not hang on to the ones never offered, not being offered, and which may never be offered.

Toni Morrison, Song of Solomon // “You wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down.”

The only person whose love and truth I'm entitled to is my own. This doesn't mean I stay where I'm unloved and offered falsehood. The only person whose respect I'm entitled to is mine. This, again, doesn't mean I stay where I am not respected. Everything we're offered, the right to accept or refuse, is directly and entirely within our arsenal. We don't have to accept every offering. What we take and what we don't is essentially up to us. But in our refusal to accept the things we won't take, we must also be willing to truly let go of them. We must try our best not to dwell on why we "deserved" more than we were given. Refusing but holding on still isn't the healthiest or most self-loving recipe if we want to lead lives in which we're truly at peace.

Sometimes, we just won't be offered the gifts we believe we "deserve", and even if, on some grand scale, it reflects that we deserve said offerings, there's not much we can do if they're not given to us. The best we can do is work on letting go of whatever sentiments fuel our sense of entitlement regarding those things. Because whether we like it or not, some things are not ours for the taking– "If you want it, go get it" will always and forever be flimsy words in some instances; no amount of work or effort could get you certain things, and even if it makes no sense, that's just how life works sometimes. Everything doesn't always make sense; everything wouldn't always make sense. I know it's hard because we get so much closure from knowing and understanding they 'whys'— why didn't we get this or that, why did this or that happen to us, why wouldn't that person realize what they've done, why isn't this person sorry, why wouldn't they just change(!). It's hard not to understand why things are the way they are, especially when we think we know we deserve different and better. But there's only so little we can do. Sometimes, we get clarity; other times, we don't. In the end, we can't do much about the ones that don't make sense, but we can appreciate the ones that do– that's a gift we can give ourselves and it's one not to be overlooked. And where people are concerned, we can't ask people to find and keep us found. We can't tell them, “Be this way, do this, do that, change, so that I can find the will to live, so I am able to find joy and pleasure in my life". We can’t ask that of people and expect that they'll comply because chances are they never may— sometimes because they cannot (they just don't have the capacity), other times because they don't want to. At the end of the day, it comes down to the question of whether we even want to so mindlessly pass on the responsibility of our lives, our joy, our healing to people outside ourselves. I'm not sure it is within our rights to do so. What I do know is that it is well within our rights to let go of all the shit that weighs us down— people, things, thoughts, moments. And we should. I hope that we can. 

Life is far beyond people and what they can offer. Life itself offers us gifts that go far beyond— I hope every day gives you a chance to discover more. In grieving what has been, what could be, what would have been, and what we think should be but isn't, we must at all times remember to celebrate the gifts of what is here and now.

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This piece is one of four pieces part of an original storytelling series titled "Hearts Unfiltered". If you haven't already read the entire series, click below to read more about it and access all the other pieces.

Eternal love and gratitude,

Tealee🤎

Read all about the Hearts Unfiltered series here.