No Love, More Love

If I have ever fallen in love at “first sight”, it was with a person who ended up being a friend. If I have ever had a deep, existence-shaking crush, it was a friend-crush. If I have felt an instant soul connection, it was with a person who I *knew* instantly was my soulmate.

I have lost friends, some by death... others by sheer inability to cross the street. - Virginia Woolf

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The only love affairs I have had have been with my friends. Whether this is a sentiment shared or not, it stays my truth. Over the course of my life, I have been fortunate to make some very deep, worthwhile, and strong connections that resulted into very cherished friendships— or as I would like to call them for the sake of this reflection: love affairs. Some of my affairs started as a result of instant connections. Some started as a result of others. Others happened because as I would like to say, “there was no way they w/couldn’t have”. Either way, each and every one of my affairs has always meant a lot to me. Every affair of different depth, possessing different meaning, representing something different, holding a different special place in my heart, but every single one adored, loved and appreciated for what they are (or what they were).

But my friendships, like your romantic love affair(s) continues to present me with lots of trying situations, fill me with lots of questions, lots of doubts, lots of confusion, lot of fears, and finally hand me lots of gut-wrenching and soul-shattering heartbreaks. As a result of which it sometimes feel like I continue to drift from one affair to the next.

Once upon a time, I found myself in a place where I believed I had to trade one affair to fully experience or grow into another. It was endless rounds of conflicting feelings. I felt that in order to be a true companion to one friend, I had to let go of the other; that one healthy and fulfilling friendship could not survive in the wake of another. Today, I am happy to realize this is an internal debate I no longer have to moderate. The same friendships that once sparked these internal conflicts are the same friendships that helped me recognize that it is entirely possible to intentionally nurture, be fully functional, and fully show up in every individual and/or collective friendship I have (or wish to have).

Retrospecting on my love affairs, I find that some days have found me in stickier situations than others. Also important to mention however is that a part of me has come to think that many of these said "sticky" and "stickier" situations were only what they were because I made them so. I am not and have never been the best at managing my friendships. There are moments when I don't offer the right depth of love and understanding, moments when I don't exercise the right amount of emotional intelligence and maturity, moments when I am too stubborn to put in any effort at all, moments when I don't trust enough to feel safe with my heart, moments when I don't invest the required level of intentionality, moments when I fail to nurture or receive nurturement, moments when I very unhealthily let things die— airing nonchalance and living solely off of what has over time become one of my most favorite, most helpful, but also most self-sabotaging mantra— "Things End", moments when I sit by and let (maybe even push) some very invaluable friendships slip into nothingness.

Although it is good to note that I do not beat myself up over the (in some cases) abrupt ending and in other cases painstakingly slow death of what are now former affairs, I feel sad at how most may have ended. Even though there are some I am fully aware had reached their ultimate and fateful end and thus would be over whether I approved it or not, I feel and know there are others which are long over but would still be if I had exerted a little more care in exchange of the mountains of 'who gives a shit' and 'fuck around and find out' I extended in my sometimes very unhealthy stone-cold pettiness (wink wink). I feel devastated that I, in all my love and grand desire to always extend love, could do nothing to save them at the time— not even extend a bit of love or understanding. My heart is shattered that some of what I once viewed as 'rare lifetime-soul connections' could not survive the life's (mostly) trifling tests.

If I know anything about love, I know as a result of my friendships.

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I could not think of a perfect way to conclude this piece so here it goes! Whatever it is you get from it, if you get anything at all, I am glad. Thanks once more for letting me share with you— God bless your heart. I would love to hear what your friendships mean to you so please leave a comment! Ps. Join my Mailing List and invite a person who may be interested to do the same! ;)

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