26 Days

I lived 26 days in stillness

By fate and design

I’ve been waiting

With my heart in my throat waiting to spill out

I’ve been waiting

Waiting for something to happen

I’ve been waiting

Waiting for you to happen

My love, tonight I light a candle for you

I write a note and burn it to ashes

I store the ashes in this kettle

And like it you’re always going to be with me

26 Days of stillness

Tonight I stare at my journal

Two pages glued together

Storing away the only thing I have left of you

A tiny jewelry, a gift, a representation of our love

Should I rip these sheets and feel it

Something tells me it’ll feel like you

A tiny jewelry, a gift, a representation of our love

I wonder where yours is now

26 Days of stillness

Tonight I mourn your everlasting presence

I mourn your absence that has never left me

I mourn the life that I have to have without you

26 Days of stillness and I’m spent

Tonight I cannot find the language

I do not know the words

I do not understand this and I probably never will

I love you through death

I wish I didn’t have to

26 Days of stillness

I’ve lived 26 days in stillness

By fate and design

I’ve been waiting

Waiting to breathe again

Did you watch me wait?

Did you wait with me?

This piece was written in the most loving memory of my late best friend and sister who even in death continues to teach me grace and kindness. Rochelle was a spectacular human being and I'm glad to have been blessed with her. I'm glad to have loved and been loved by her.

Rochelle passed in November of 2020. It was unexpected- before Rochelle and my Uncle who both passed in that same year, death always felt like this abstract far away thing. I never fully got what it meant to have to live without the people you love the most because they somehow (physically) ceased to exist. 2020 was a year of many great but unfortunate lessons.

Following Rochelle's passing, I felt unable to grieve, unable to mourn in a way that felt honest to me, stuck- in lots of ways I still feel very stuck. It’s just never something I ever thought of, considered, or saw coming so when it came I didn’t know what to do (still don’t). It’s been a couple of years now and I still haven’t processed fully what all of this means. I know that maybe one day I’d be able to properly sit with myself and feel to the full all the emotions that are still so deeply buried, that still won’t surface because I’m unable to reach them, because they’re so very unrecognizable to me, but today, say a prayer for Rochelle and wish her a happy birthday for me.

Love eternally, Tea

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