Give Me a Silent Funeral...

I think about funerals a lot...

Every time I attend a funeral or visit a bereaved friend/acquaintance, I am awestruck by certain aspects of the unfoldings that to me are point-blank ridiculous. And of those “certain aspects”, I always think, “I could never do this and I hope nobody ever expects me to”.

Where I come from, funerals (and other ceremonies surrounding them) are like birthday parties except you don’t have to bring presents because the person is dead. The thing is, I hear you, and even though I have major doubts, I agree that you may be right and that “xxx wants us to celebrate their life this way”. However, what about the people who are actually soul-shattered, heartbroken and intensely mourning the loss of xxx? Are they in a place to “celebrate” the passing of their beloved this way? Maybe they are, but if I were them, I sure as hell wouldn’t be.

Picture this. Once upon a time, an old friend lost a close family member, and along with some other friends, I visited this friend’s home to pay respects. When we arrived, there were very few others around so it was quiet. Shortly, more people begin to turn up, and as the crowd increased, so did the noise. Suddenly we were at what seemed to me a house party. People were gathered in cliques, there was happy-party music, people were dancing, jokes were being thrown across the room, and the ‘bereaved’ now hosts to what had become a full house party were busy with ensuring everyone was fed, watered/liquored, comfortable and having a good time. Marveled by all of this, I couldn’t help but sit there and wonder if this was really what these people who just lost their loved one wanted to be doing. Did they want us in their home, sitting on their loveseats, drinking cold drinks they had to serve us? Did they want to be playing the latest Afrobeat and R&B loud in their living room so that we would have something to dance to? Did they want to hear our lousy jokes, let alone laugh at them? Did they want to be in charge of ensuring we were fed and having a good time when they were so obviously having the worst? Whether they wanted any of it or not, they seemed to be taking it all quite well, and to me, that is incredibly selfless and strong — to put your pain and tears on hold so as to “celebrate” your loved one passing with a bunch of people who most likely only showed up to fulfill some social norm. To me, it is an out-of-this-world display of grace. One I believe is still very out of reach for me. When I lose someone close to my heart, I just want to be left alone and I sure as hell do not have the grace to play host (but if we’re being honest, even on a good day I do not have the grace to play host).

I think about death and funerals a lot and I have come to be certain of two things. The first is that I really hope death is the end. I’ve lived enough to know that one life is fine for me (except Heaven is real, in which case I am very open to life there). The second thing is that I know exactly how I want my funeral to play out if I were to die today (even though let’s hope I don’t because I still have a couple of panic attacks to experience and laugh about).

Here’s a glimpse of my very anticipated funeral:

1. It will be ‘by invitation only’.

If you do not get an invitation, be sorry (or not) from afar. My family needn’t worry at all about inviting the wrong people as I’ll make/finalize the list of invitees myself before I go. (I’m thinking that I get to making the list right away because I might go any second or day from now. You never know with this thing!)

2. It will be a silent funeral

All my people need to do is gather in silence and play low-sad-harmonious music. (This is already sounding very exciting!!! I can’t wait to attend this event.)

I want no programs or sappy speeches. Nothing about how, “God giveth and taketh”, “It happened or a reason”, “It’s for the best”, or “God knows why”— these lines have succeeded in getting me annoyed, irritated and even more depressed, but never once have they given me any sort of comfort. Hence, kindly, I wouldn’t want to subject anyone to them. I have always been very aware that when people offer these words, they do so in good faith. Yet still, knowing this has never stopped me from feeling a hot sting of annoyance when they are offered. It’s the same case as when I’m going through something and someone jumps at saying, “You will be fine”. I know I’ll be fine but that’s not a very comforting response after I have explained to you I’m going through a shit time. It really helps better if you just say nothing at all. (LOL, all this is in “good faith” no hard feelings.)

3. Please be sad and heartbroken and soul shattered

You just lost the light of your world, I don’t see why you shouldn’t be so sad that they have to find a more intense word for sad. Please do not “celebrate me” because “that’s how Tealee would want it”. Unless your celebration takes the form of bitter crying and bone-crushing grief, that in fact isn’t how I want or will want it. Gosh, Somebody just died! What’s so joyous about it that you would want to celebrate in any other way than this?

---

This piece is really just a result of one of many conversations/rants I have had with my sister-friend. Thanks for sticking around until the end. I hope you enjoyed reading.

Love, Tea

---

➡ Follow me on Instagram: (https://www.instagram.com/theteawithtea_/)

➡ As my heart moves, I send love notes. To receive them, subscribe at the bottom of this page: (https://hellotealee.wixsite.com/mysite)