Self-love and Community

Photo Credits: Pinterest

I have always been self-love’s biggest and all-time subscriber. Still, I cannot deny that as the years have progressed, I have come to be deeply concerned with discourse surrounding the matter. As the gospel of self-love has spread far and wide, and as many have converted and become staunched subscribers of our solemn and wholesome religion, the culture of self-love has continued to unravel beautifully. Yet, in wake of all the beauty, there have been fragments and moments that cause (some of) us great deals of distress and apprehension.

“To build community requires vigilant awareness of the work we must continually do to undermine all the socialization that leads us to behave in ways that perpetuate domination.” (Bell Hooks)

I believe that learning to love ourselves is where our search for love (must) begin. Hence, I believe in centering of the self. I believe in doing what’s best for you. I believe in self-preservation. I believe it’s okay that we do not always live up to other's expectations of us— that sometimes we just don’t care for it; that sometimes it just does not align with what we are going for; and that sometimes even though we care for it we are just not able to. It is indeed also true that at times other people project harmful narratives on us, react to us negatively because of their own issues, and relate to us solely from a place of toxic entitlement that we must say ‘no’ to. All of these are awarenesses I have come to be appreciative of because I recognize that without them, I wouldn’t love or delight in being me.

Just as I believe in and agree with the things previously highlighted, I believe in love of the other— that “We are built for communion and community” and that “Love is a combination of care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, respect, and trust” (Bell Hooks). Also equally, I am of the belief that with most things, if not everything, context is of immense significance and a vital starting point in evaluating how we show up.

In a world where we have it all, where we can all engage in discourse of our choosing, where every opinion matters and every person is a medium and has a platform, I would be the first to admit that sometimes it’s too easy to internalize things without considering how different one particular situation, context, or life is from another. Where self-love’s discourse is concerned, I am extremely glad to be part of a generation who are intentional about loving and loving on ourselves. Still, as I mentioned very early in this piece, my joy does not stop me from questioning how we go about manifesting our love for self. If communion with self is where love begins, if communion with community sustains life, and if love beyond care entails respect and responsibility, I cannot help but wonder to what extent we are responsible for others in our love for them and to what extent are we not. Also, I cannot help but wonder at which point our love for self undermines our love for others and at which point our love for others threatens our love for self, if ever. On that same note, I cannot proceed without asking this: does love for others and value for communion with community, threaten love as we know and (would prefer to) have it now?

“Love always involves responsibility, and love always involves sacrifice.” (William Barclay)

“Until the great mass of the people shall be filled with the sense of responsibility for each other's welfare, social justice can never be attained.” (Helen Keller)

Sometimes it feels to me that we are failing tremendously at love. Sometimes, it feels it’s not so much that we are “failing” but that I just happen to have reservations about how we are choosing to go about our love affairs. Unless we are vying for a world where everybody loves and looks out only for themselves, I think it important that we begin to get more honest about our responsibility to each other and just how critical it is to our well-being as loved and loving entities, as well as to our progress as a loving society.

I cannot begin to count the number of times I have come across posts/threads on social media where a person, with many others in agreement, was presenting the reality of people having expectations of other people as a merely bewildering notion and framing it as harmful “entitlement”. “Nobody owes you anything”, “I had to do what’s best for me”, “No matter what, always put yourself first”, “People's perception of you has nothing to do with you and is only a reflection of themselves”: these are some of the most famous go-to philosophies we religiously turn to. Although not always wrong, considering the case studies being presented with these philosophies, it becomes harder to process and separate how much of it we genuinely believe is people being wrongfully entitled to us, versus how much of it is a sad attempt to hide behind any explanation that helps us justify our unfairness and (sometimes) blatant disregard of others. Evaluating social media discourse around the issue, and also considering some real-life experiences of my own, it seems to me that most of it is merely an attempt to hide behind the excuse of ‘self love and preservation’ when we have been unfair to others who in feeling hurt and violated by us decided it was best to distance themselves. Many days, I cannot help but think that maybe sometimes we just need some uplifting quotes to help us feel better about ourselves when we have been awful to others. Otherwise, do we in all our truth believe these philosophies, or better yet, do they even fit our context?

My point is not that we are wrong in prioritizing ourselves, but that we must also in quest to love ourselves, be conscious of how our actions affect others, consider them, and be intentional in our efforts to love them.

(1) Do we really owe nobody nothing? Do you need to owe others something in order to offer them kindness and human decency?

(2) Is it so wrong that the people in your life have certain expectations of you? As someone who has and will always have expectations of my family, friends, and other human beings who coexist in the same time and space as me, I am very aware that having expectations does not ultimately mean they will be met. I am also aware that my feeling a way about it doesn’t change the fact that sometimes people cannot and do not live up to the expectations I have of them and in the world of things that’s understandable. Sometimes, even I let myself down. However, what’s disturbing is that people seem to find it offensive that others have expectations of them, and that others feel emotions of hurt and disappointment when said expectations aren’t met.

(3) Is people’s perception of you really only a reflection of themselves and has nothing to do with you? Doesn’t the way people view and react to you have anything to do with you at all? And why does this particularly only apply to the bad things?: If somebody views and/or reacts to you positively, it’s about you. Whereas, if they do negatively, it has absolutely nothing to do with who you are but everything to do with who they are.

(4) Can’t you do what’s best for you without treating other people like trash? When did treating other people right start to mean you value yourself any less?

“Community cannot take root in a divided life. Long before community assumes external shape and form, it must be present as a seed in the undivided self: only as we are in communion with ourselves can we find communion with others.” (Parker Palmer)

At the core of all these not-so-little questions are bigger ones: What would become of the world if everybody truly lived like we don’t owe each other anything, that we have no responsibility for the people and hearts around us? What would become of us as individuals and a collective if we refuse to acknowledge that sometimes people’s perception of and reaction to us has everything to do with us? Can we truly begin the journey toward the revolutionary love and healing we all seem to yearn so much for if we continue to live like it’s always one or the other, that we must sacrifice one thing in order to attain the other, that in order to love and experience true communion with ourselves we have to let go of communion and love with/for community? Where love of the self and of community are concerned, maybe we must recognize that we cannot separate the two or replicate one for the other; maybe we must acknowledge that love in all its forms and manifestations is a sacred act of communion.

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Thanks for reading to the end. What are your thoughts on the subjects explored in this piece? I’d love to hear from you. Leave a comment here or visit my Instagram let's talk!

Love always, Tea

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